I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
