hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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