I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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