And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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