I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
