Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
