i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were trust falling into bushes
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
