Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
