Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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