I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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