Plan B is the new Plan A
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ketchup is God's man juice
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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