Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
