my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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