ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
