Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
