I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
