u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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