just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
