I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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