I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize