Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
