no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
