if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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