Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
