At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
