you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
