70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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