Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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