Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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