Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
