Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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