I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think your dad took our porno
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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