Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
