you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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