Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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