that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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