After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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