So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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