they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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