id be glad to
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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