i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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