my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
