Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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