im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i barfeds in our rink
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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