My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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