i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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