Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
