dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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