And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
