I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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