My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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