I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
