life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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