So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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