So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
