My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
