Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
