I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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